I got asked a scary question by my 8 year old...."Mom is it ok for kids to have boyfriends or like a boy?" PANIC! NO BOYS! After my shock wore off, a sad realization hit me, My baby girl is growing up." My momma bear instincts wanted to scream "NO!," and change the subject, but I also know that the way I respond to her is crucial in whether or not she feels comfortable sharing with me and coming to me with hard questions in her future. It ended up being a great moment that I'm glad we shared, so I decided to write about it.
So, is it ok for a young 8 year old girl to have a boyfriend? I recently heard of a family who took their 9 year old and her little "boyfriend" on a chaperoned "date" night. I remember when I was little having "boyfriends," getting chased on the playground, the cute notes "Will you go out with me?" having a crush on the little boy in my 2nd grade class and writing his name 100 times in my notebook. It's all part of growing up, finding who you are, and learning about life. Right? Nobody taught me about boys. I just learned from peers and watching my friends. My best friend in 3rd grade had a boyfriend who would give her heart shaped love letters! It's all cute and innocent right? As the years went by, I also remember first kisses, break-ups, girl jealousy over boys, sneaking out late, lying to my mom, talking about inappropriate things with friends, pornography. At what point does it become not so innocent? Why do so many tween girls dress the way they do? Why do so many post selfies showing way too much skin on the internet? Statistics show that in this day the majority of girls are losing their virginity before the age of 16 and that includes church girls! Teen pregnancy rates and the number of those teens getting abortions are insanely high in the US. Is it extreme to think an innocent boyfriend at age 8 is gonna lead to all that? Maybe, but at what point do you say "It was cute when you were little but not now." Is allowing a boyfriend at 8 starting her down a path of heartbreak, bad decisions, and future regrets? or an innocent game?
Well with all of this in mind, I didn't say "no." I believe that a parent giving their child a list of do's, don'ts, or rules WITHOUT giving that child an understanding of the why, having a consciousness of God's word, and having a conviction about it themselves, will only cause that child to rebel and make the wrong choices. My goal as a mom is to help her make the right choices, not because I said so, but also for the right reasons. My hope is that as my girls grow in an understanding of God's word and a realization of His plan for them, that they will have no interest in this worlds methods of dating.
Her question was brought up during one of our Bible lessons in school. We have been going through the book Long Story Short, which is a 10 min a day family devotional with discussion questions. We were reading about the creation of Adam and Eve and how God made a perfect helper for Adam. First, I told her that it was normal for girls to be attracted to boys and vice versa, that was the way God made us. I told her there were boys I thought were cute when I was her age. Then we went back to our Bible story and read about Gen 2:24 and read "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and will become one flesh." We talked a little about God's wonderful plan for marriage. I asked her "Tell me what do you imagine your life to be like when you are my age?" She answered, "I want to get married, have kids, be a mom, and I hope I'm an artist and a missionary." I told her that from the day she was born God already had a plan all laid out for her life, and if she continues to follow him as she gets older, He will show her if those hopes are part of His plan. If God wants her to get married and have a family then He ALREADY has the perfect husband picked out for her! He may only be an 8 year old boy growing up in another state right now, but God is preparing him to be the perfect husband for a beautiful artist missionary some day. She couldn't believe it! "God already knows who I'll marry!"she said. "Yes, but whether or not you follow his plan is up to you." I told her that one day when she's old enough and ready to be a wife, God will show her who he's picked. She was amazed!
Then I said to her "a lot of kids have boyfriends or girlfriends when they're little. A lot of teenagers have had many boyfriends. What do you think is the purpose of a boyfriend?" She said "I don't know, I guess because you like them and they like you." I said "Now for someone following Gods plan for their future what is the PURPOSE of having a boyfriend?" She answered. "I guess to find the person God has picked for you!" I told her that if God has chosen him already and He will not show her until she's old enough to be a wife. I asked, "Why should you waste your time and give your heart to anyone else even if it's just when you're a kid?" She said "I never thought of that before!"
Since the lesson in our book was about God making a perfect spouse for Adam, one of our discussion questions actually said "discuss the characteristics of a perfect future spouse for your child." So, we made a list of traits that we hoped her husband would have someday. We discussed that many attractive people and celebrities look nice on the outside, but have an ugly heart. We talked about tall, dark and handsome boys who's hearts are full of sin and bad intentions. We talked about Daddy and in which ways she hoped her husband would be like him. I'm proud that her list of characteristics began with "Loves Jesus." and none on her most important list was about physical appearance. I know as she gets into her teen years dating and boys will be much more of an issue than it is at age 8. I pray that as she grows up she will always feel comfortable asking me life questions. I think this lesson really laid a good foundation and helped her to understand dating from a Christian perspective and the purpose of courtship.
I don't have all the answers especially to the hard questions, but what I do know is that I want all of my girls from the youngest age to realize that they were made with a divine purpose in this life, and that God has a special plan for each of their futures. I will try my best to guide them in the right direction, and I pray that they make their own decisions to follow that plan.
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